Many seriously ill women are abandoned by men.

New York Times health blogger Tara Parker-Pope put a spotlight on a troubling trend in a recent article. When women get long-term illnesses, their mates are more likely to abandon them.

There is scientific data to support this. Women who were told they had a serious illness were seven times more likely to become separated or divorced than men, according to a report published in the journal Cancer.

Social workers are not surprised. Many have been helping families address this issue for years. Social Workers Speak! gathered some experts in our field to talk about this issue, how they handle it in their practices, and what women can do to overcome the pain of abandonment.

The experts are Melanie Barton, LCSW, Ed.D, who was in the process of a divorce before being treated for colon cancer; and Maribel Quiala, MSW, LCSW, an expert on Latino and immigrant families who often appears on local and national television to discuss mental health, alcohol abuse and other issues.

Q: The New York Times article cited a study that said husbands are seven times more likely to separate or divorce from wives who are seriously ill. What is it about our culture that makes men less likely to take the caretaker role than women?

Barton: Many men do not deal well with women being emotionally, financially, or physically dependent on them even though they may have unconsciously fostered it. They want it, encourage it, but then resent it. The husband may fear the wife will outgrow her need to depend on him.  He may then get angry when the wife tries to assert her independence believing it means the husband is no longer needed and that she will find someone else to replace him. I often see men starting affairs when their wives get cancer.  Men divert all that painful emotion into something to distract them that feels good.

Quiala: Men become fearful and are at times unable to handle the unknown. Women are better caregivers because many times they have to be more nurturing, loving and caring. Few people have a plan for dealing with diseases and men are less organized for such occurrences. Many times cancer patients withdraw from those around them, even those that love them. If the relationship is shaky the (healthy) partner will also create greater resistance and find this is their exit out of a “dysfunctional relationship.”

What can we do to reverse this troubling trend?

Quiala: We live in an emotionally bankrupt society and everyone is disposable. We should try to humanize our society more, increasing our compassion for others and placing true value in what is really vital (which is each other) and not material things. If we can achieve these first steps we might begin to shift the paradigm of our emotionally bankrupt society.

Barton: In our culture we do not normally allow males to express their emotions unless it is lust, anger, or some other negative feature.  To combat this programming we need to instruct both our male and female children that it is healthy to discuss feelings without needing to violently display them.  We need to give children an opportunity to see illness not as a weakness, but a fact of life.  We need to teach boys and girls how to be self-sufficient learning to do things like cooking, cleaning, ironing, sewing on a button, and balancing a checkbook. As married people we need to talk about how we will handle situations when one of the couple gets ill.

Q: Are you dealing with this issue in your personal life or practice? How are you helping clients deal with this issue?

Barton: Yes, seven weeks after I separated from my spouse of 39 years I was diagnosed with colon cancer.  Prior to going on medical disability, I was helping clients deal with the issue in relation to my treating them while going through a divorce.  I let them know I have the tools to make a marriage work and the tools are valid, but you have to have people who are willing to use them.  Sometimes the tools let you know that ending something that is unhealthy for both parties is the most humane thing you can do.

Quiala: In therapy I empower clients, helping them gain control or regain control and assisting them in finding the internal courage to move forward and fight. Everyone is courageous. However, they lose sight of that when they are diagnosed with disease. I assist them with relaxation techniques, controlling what they can in their lives such as health care, increasing their ability to allow others to help them, and removing the guilt of feeling like they are a burden. Placing oneself first is foremost in order to heal. I also help them in finding their higher power, whether through religion or spiritual practice.

Q: Is it difficult for women to deal with serious illnesses such as cancer and lupus and build a new life after separation and divorce? What advice can you give them?

Quiala: Yes, after a traumatic disease and journey to heal having to rebuild a life is difficult but not impossible. Patients need to talk about and (resolve issues) with the healthy spouse in a mutually respectful and understanding manner. Thoughout the journey many times women come to realize that they are able to make remarkable transitions and transformation for the better. One patient told me “I realized that although I would love to heal the cancer permanently from my body, also wanted to heal the many insecurities I had in my marriage that had caused me to live such a sheltered, dysfunctional relationship.”

Q: Is this issue a matter of life and death? In other words, is there evidence that seriously ill patients do better physically when they are in a loving environment?

Quiala: Many of the techniques not widely evaluated are at times not recognized as potentially powerful therapeutic interventions. Simply keeping company with a patient who is in distress can many times be a very powerful intervention. Gently touching, massaging the patient’s hands and feet and anointing their skin with oils can be a very soothing intervention.

Barton: According to Steven Muse in a Yale University School of Medicine study of people undergoing coronary angiography, atherosclerosis (a waxy buildup in blood vessels) significantly decreased  for persons who felt solved and supported when compared to those who did not, even after other risk factors had been controlled, including age and sex. Most interestingly of all, researchers discovered that sharing feelings by way of writing in a journal even when no other person was actually present had important physical benefits.

For more information on how social workers guide families that need mental and health care, visit the National Association of Social Workers Web site on Health and “Help Starts Here” Web site on Health and Wellness.